January 2012
10 posts
1 tag
1 tag
3 tags
Explaining to my mom about the whole Mayan 2012...
Her: It'd be funny if it actually happened
Me: Yea... I guess funny is one way to describe the end of the world.
I've been hungover all year
December 2011
28 posts
1 tag
A gurl was walkin2 skewl wit her bf n they were crossin da rode.
she sed “bbz will u luv me 4evr”
he said “NO..”“
da gurl cryed N ran across da rode b4 da green man came on the sine.
boy was cryin and went to pic up her body.
she was ded.
he whispered 2 her corpse “I ment 2 sey i will luv u FIVE-ever…” (dat mean he luv her moar den 4evr)
...
1 tag
1 tag
The Christmas Season
Me: In the past, if my mom was buying me anything in the month of December, she would just shove it under the tree and act like it was a present.
Roommate: Like what?
Me: One year I got shampoo and body wash under the tree.
“No one cares”
– What I feel like commenting on 99% of Facebook status updates
Was at a friend's birthday party last night
There was a girl there who was just annoying me, and I was decently drunk enough that this conversation happened.
Me: You’re the worst Her: What? I’m the life of the party! Me: If you left right now, the only thing that would change is that chair you’re sitting in would now be empty.
People laughed, she was not happy.
1 tag
I really know how to ruin someone's day
My roommate is really into his cheeses. He gets all those fancy ones from organic grocery stores. So he bought some smoked gouda recently and was raving about it and makes me try a bit.
“Tastes just like the cheese you got in Lunchable sandwiches when we were 5”
He realized I was right and can’t eat it anymore.
1 tag
1 tag
There's this really annoying gay kid on the Real...
Me: This guy is annoying the shit out of me.
Friend: I find most gay people annoying
Me: This guy is annoying because he likes to bitch about everything, not because he's gay.
Him: Yeah, but most gay people annoy me.
Me: Name a single gay person you know. Name one.
Him: ...
Me: That's like if you were the only Filipino I knew, and obviously you're an idiot, so all Filipinos are idiots.
Him: But you'd never say that.
Me: Yeah, because making blanket statements would make me look like a dumbass, right?
1 tag
Saw a blind couple at the intersection
Guy: Is this 5th street?
Me: Nope, it's Wright & Springfield.
Him: Really?
Me: Yea, 5th is...
Me to myself: Wait how to I describe this? Do they know what direction west is? Can I touch him and hold his hand in that direction or is that fucking creepy? Maybe I can just walk away really quietly?
Me: it's 2 blocks west...
Him: ...
Me to myself: Fuck FUCK FUCKKKK!
Him: The last two people gave us wrong directions, we'll just get a cab.
Me: No I'm definitely right, I can walk you guys?
Him not believing me: Don't worry about it, the cab will get us there.
An investment banker's cover letter for a second... →
You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening.
We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.
If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you...
Roommate: The professor said that this is going to be the toughest test of the semester.
Me: Damn, how fucked are you for it?
Him: Well, the professors said this one is a "Thinking Man's Test"
Me: Oh, so you're really fucked then.
Him: Yeah
Living off coffee and tea for the next two weeks
5 finals on 5 consecutive days.
10 page paper (I’m the worst at writing, rather take 10 tests than this paper)
Project due at work this week.
My face every 5 seconds while trying to review.
Getting ready to go out
Currently playing Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You. If that doesn’t put you in the mood to black out I don’t know what will.
People that hold the door open for you
even though you’re like 30 feet away - are the worst.
Then I feel like I have to hurry the fuck up to the door or else they’ll be waiting there like an idiot and throughout it all they’ll feel like they’re doing me a favor.
The worst.
2 tags
“I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about...”
– Patrice O’Neal
November 2011
14 posts
100%
the chance of me making tea and forgetting about it until it’s already cold.
Listening to Big Sean's Dance on the radio
Me: Do you like Big Sean?
Friend: Not really, never really liked rap. How can you relate to it?
Me: Throughout this entire song all he raps about is ass. I've never related to a song more.
1 tag
The worst employee I've ever worked with. →
She tells me one day her husband is a really great guy because he spends his free time helping to “clean up the internet.”
I ask her what she means and she told me she found a bunch of porn in husbands web browser history. He informed her that he goes to porn sites to download the porn off of the internet servers onto his computer so that he can delete it. Apparently there’s a...
1 tag
Tom is fat.com →
My roommate was pissing us off so I made this about him. It’s become popular among my friends so I figure I’d share it here.
And if you’re wondering, he loves the site.
1 tag
