Listening Internship at The Onion →
Ideal applicants will have experience nodding their head thoughtfully, maintaining eye contact, and displaying a sympathetic expression. The main focus of the internship will involve sitting in a chair and remaining silent while people talk at you. Responsibilities will include: Listening Nodding Smiling Appearing deeply interested in what the speaker is saying Remaining silent ...
There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part, So just give me a...– Shel Silverstein
I finally got Netflix
Mom: You should cancel Netflix, they have no movies!
Me: Like what?
Her: We tried finding The Other Side of Midnight and they didn't have it!
Me looking it up: I'm sorry they didn't have a movie from 1977...
Her: Then we looked up What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? and they didn't have that either!
Me: How about we start looking for movies from the past 30 years?
My mom watching March Madness
When a shitty team losing by 30 hits a jumper: This team is so good.
Any 3 point shot: Wow!
Any dunk: Wow!
Any foul: Oh my God! Poor guy!
Anytime a guy is clearly faking a injury: I told you he was hurt!
Every 10 minutes: There's only black players on these teams! Look!
An alley-oop happens: *dead*
I want to die
This weekend I was visiting friends and I crashed at their place - fun time, drank a lot, yada yada yada. So I come back home and I’m brushing my teeth with the same toothbrush I used that weekend and I’m thinking how it’s strange the way the bristles have started to lay flat in certain spots, especially since it’s a new toothbrush. I chalk it up to it laying in my bag...
Cashier: Receipt in the bag or with you?
Me: In the bag is fine.
Him: Here you go
Me: You too
Me thinking: shit he didn't say have a nice day yet
Him: Have a nice day...
Me: you too...
Seinfeld will always be relatable
George: They always make me take stock of my life. And how I’ve pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it.
Jerry: I know, and then you say to yourself, “From this moment on, I’m not gonna waste any more of it.” But then you go, “How? What can I do that’s not wasting it?”
Elaine: Is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can’t you have coffee with people?
A student's grandmother is far more likely to die... →
Pretty funny study, especially considering my grandpa actually did die during one of my finals weeks.
If you dream of something worth doing and then simply go to work and don’t...– Edwin Land to Polaroid employees, December 23, 1942
Dancing with some random girl
Me: Hey, do you want to stop for a bit and drink some more?
Girl: Does it look like I'm the type of girl who drinks a lot?
Me: Do I look like the type of guy who dances?
My parents are planning a trip to Europe next year
Dad: We're thinking about going to Paris, Prague, London, and Berlin. Not sure yet.
Me: Sounds fun...
Him: Yea, we'll drink a lot of wine, watch the Germans dancing in the streets...
Me: Where are you getting this picture in your head of Germans just dancing randomly in the street?
If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are...– Lao Tzu
My mom on internet lingo
Mom: What does that mean?
Me running up the stairs: Forget it, I'm coming right back
Her 5 minutes later from downstairs: Shouldn't it be CRB?
She had blue skin, and so did he. He kept it hid and so did she. They searched...– Shel Silverstein
So 2 Italian men get on a bus...
They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; “Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more.” “You foul-mouthed...
I feel the need to return a compliment anytime I...
Girl: Kevin, I really like your new glasses
Me: Thanks! I really like your... pants...
There was a black guy at our party last weekend
Him: Yeah, I'm pretty much the stereotypical black guy. I'm good at sports, I have a 6 pack without working out, white girls love me.
Friend: But we both know you don't pay your taxes
Him: Well I got a pretty big dick
Friend: Cool but what's 2 plus 2
Everyone: *jaw drops*
Coworker: Kevin, I bet I know what's your favorite drink
Me: Alright let's hear it
Her: I can just see you wearing those glasses and drinking whiskey
Me: *sigh* I don't even know what that means but you're correct
Did God give us the right to pursue a good time? Don’t get me wrong—happiness is...– There are few people I love more than Rick Santorum
Watching Parks & Rec with coworkers
Girl who has only seen 2 episodes: Wait, who's Anne?
Me: The racially ambiguous girl
Other girl laughing: Wait, what'd you call her?
Me: Racially ambiguous? Other than that and being hot how else would you describe her.
Her: The nurse
Me: Ahhh... right... right.
We were sitting around talking about Libya…– Cara is my favorite man at the debate so far.
Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody’s ever been in love with...– Ferris Beuller
My friend met a girl with the name La-a
It’s pronounced Ladasha. Are you fucking kidding me.
I rarely think I'm ever better than someone else
But anytime I see someone post a political Facebook status I just lean back in my chair a little bit shaking my head and tell myself, “I’ll never stoop that low”
My mom needed help
Her: Can you go to this website, it's W...W...W...DOT...
Me: Yea wait, let me get my laptop
Her: OK, the website is W...W...W...DOT...
Me: Mom you don't need to say www these days, just everything after it.
Her: OK, but it says WWW so W...W...W...DOT...