December 2010
75 posts
Okay cool, the gays have the gay pride parade
but us straight guys have the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show to look forward to every year, so it’s like the same thing. We gather with other straight guys around the TV and just slobber over the models that we have 0% chance with, and at the gay pride parade you gather with fellow gays and slobber over people that you have a 99% chance with.
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November 2010
67 posts
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You know when one of your friends gets a new pair...
And you can tell they think they look fine as hell in it, wearing it any chance they get. And it still has the “new store” look with the creases and they strut their stuff anytime they wear it.
Just giving you some background on why I’m dying of laughter when I found out what my roommate did when we got back last night. He threw up all over his room, toppled over his TV, and...
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Peppermint Schnapps
Never had it before tonight, totally understands how it opens Elaine’s vault.
Don't ruin the ending!
Friend: I saw The Social Network yesterday, I loved it!
Me: Yea I really liked it, except for -
Other friend: Don't ruin it for me, I haven't seen it!
Me: It's Facebook, what huge spoilers do you think I'll reveal?
Him: I don't know...
Me: THIS JUST IN. FACEBOOK IS POPULAR!
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Figuring out what to get our Dad for Christmas
Sister laughing: Oh my God I have the perfect thing to get Dad!
Me: What?
Sister dying laughing: Nevermind, it's such a black thing to do.
Me: What?
Her still laughing: We should get a picture of the two of us taken, and framed.
Me: How is that even close to a black thing?
Hate being named Kevin
Because as a child I was overshadowed by that fucktard Kevin McCallister, aka Macaulay Culkin from the Home Alone series. You just can’t compete with a kid like that. Everybody loved him!
Hell, we’re watching Home Alone 2 right now and my dad just told me to look at Kevin run, and how I should run more like him? Really. I can’t compete with this kid.
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“Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat”
– From this woman.
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Urban Outfitters 50% Off All Sale
Do you guys read the above as
50% Off All… SALE!!
50% Off All Sale Items
I thought it was 1, turned out it was 2.
Thanksgiving
Me: When are we replacing our deck, it looks awful.
Mom: I can't wait to see what kind of house you'll have in 20 years.
Me: I don't want a house like this, I want a cabin in the woods!
Mom: That would suit you, that's where all the rapists live.
Me: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? AND HOW DOES IT SUIT ME?
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I never ask God for anything
Like I’m pretty good on thanking him for the stuff I’ve been blessed with, but never really asked him for anything.
But I swear I prayed the shit out of God for the full minute that it took me to walk downstairs and see if there was a Digiorno Personal 8” Pizza left in the freezer.
Thank God, there was.
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Watching Arrested Development with my dad
He hasn’t laughed once. Not one time. Just a blank stare. I had to change it because I couldn’t even enjoy watching the show. Just kept watching him.
Loose Seal…. Lucille. GET IT? No? OK.
WatchGuys vs. Girls - Sex
Talking to the black cashier at the thrift store
Her looking at my ugly christmas sweater: You actually going to wear this?
Me: Uhh yea? I'm throwing an ugly christmas sweater party.
Her: What?
Me: It's a party where everyone wears ugly sweaters and drinks
Her: I'm guessing that you only have white friends.
Me: *sighs* Yea....
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$4.50 for a $1 bottle of Vitamin Water?
I love going to the movies.
“She is by far the most beautiful looking girl I’ve ever seen, but want to...”
– My sister
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WatchArgentina’s Dancing With the Stars
I love coming home
only because my sister exposes me to shows on Bravo that she has been watching forever and that I have never heard of.
MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER ALL DAY THIS WEEK.
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Cops were called
After having an “Unofficial Thanksgiving” with my friends, we ended up having a huge food fight (which I technically helped start but didn’t really participate in after the first minute) between apartments at 1AM. Neighbors called the cops and they made us clean it up and we still might get fucked up the ass.
AWESOME!
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Two guys are playing golf.
The women in front of them are taking their time and are slowing the men up.
So one man says to his friend, “I’m gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.”
He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, “One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don’t you go...
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Oh totally forgot to share this
I was home a couple weeks ago and my dad thought Paul Simon sang Hey There Delilah.
And I found out that he likes listening to Miley Cyrus on his iPhone.
And if I never mentioned this, he absolutely LOVES Family Guy.
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Picked up my barcrawl shirt
Girl: It's $10. Wait... Kofo I don't see your name on the list.
Me: I'm sure I'm there.
Her looking for a minute: I definitely don't see you, I can't give you someone else's shirt.
Me looking at the list: I'm right there.
Her: OH! Totally forgot your name was Kevin.
Me: -____-
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“You’re just looking for the right girl, and one day you’ll rape her...”
– Elliot Stabler
I think a spiral bound copy of my posts will be my...
I’ll start giving them to girls as we’re getting to know each other.
I fucking hate it when people call it Turkey Day...
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I'm going to make my kids be friends with a lot of...
Because I’ve noticed that when families with only one child go on vacation, they usually take a friend with so the kid has someone to play with. That way I can just send my kid to Disney World with them and never have to step foot in that place again.
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WatchLETHAL WEAPON 5 (THE MOVIE)
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I’m going to a country concert tonight I’m going to a country concert tonight I’m going to a country concert tonight I’m going to a country concert tonight I’m going to a country concert tonight
I remember one time in 4th grade
I brought a floppy disk into class because I wanted to edit a document that I had written at home, and my teacher (who also taught Introduction to Technology to 4th graders and thought she was a mother fucking tech genius) flipped a shit on me.
Literally she started screaming and yelled at me for 5 minutes on how I could have spread a virus I had at home to all the school computers and I could...
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Anonymous asked: You say you never want to knock up a white chick but I don't think you have many options.
White chicks are the best of the bunch.
Black girls are fat,
Indian and Arabs girls are hairy,
Asian girls are attractive but they smell like soy and joss sticks
and Mexicans and Latinas are gross.
See?
Us white girls have our faults but we’re...
White chicks are the best of the bunch.
Black girls are fat,
Indian and Arabs girls are hairy,
Asian girls are attractive but they smell like soy and joss sticks
and Mexicans and Latinas are gross.
See?
Us white girls have our faults but we’re...
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People always are schleping their shit on the quad
Guy: Hey! You! want this pocket bible?
Me: Nope
Guy: Come on, it's free!
Me: Alright then, I can never have too many door stops.
Went to the grocery store and bought milk and...
Cashier with crazy long hair and a foot long beard and the smile of a pedophile: Nice
Me giving him the confused eye: ...
Cashier with crazy long hair and a foot long beard and the smile of a pedophile now looking down at the two items then back at me: Nice
Me depressed that this guy approves of my life choices: Thanks :(
Anonymous asked: would you care if you kid was gay?
