July 2010
93 posts
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If I was a celebrity
I know a lot of people would be like “Oh I’d still be myself and hang out with the same people and not party all the time and not fuck every reality TV star”
Me?
PARTY. SEX. ALCOHOL. PAPARAZZI. LOHAN ON SPEED DIAL.
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There is an old Google Wave stream
where old interns have posted the dumb shit my boss has said in the past.
Boss to waiter: Oh your name is Khatik? What are you some Indian? Waiter: No, I’m Mexican. I just had creative parents. Boss: Are you sure?
June 2010
150 posts
There was a poster saying how the average age that...
Guy: If that is the average that means there are 10 year old hookers out there. Me: Yea… -10 seconds later- Me: If that is the average that means there are 10 year old hookers out there. Him: I literally just said that Me: Oh, I usually zone you out Him: I know
Hey remember that one time I woke up at 5:30am and...
Yea, me neither.
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Anonymous asked: I want you to stick your penis in my vagina, if you know what I mean.
I want my women like I want my packets of instant...
Fast, easy, and covered with facts about dinosaurs
Ever tell yourself you're going to be really...
and you’re really proud of yourself for even motivating yourself to THINK about being productive. Then you look at the clock and it is 2:00pm and you have about the same amount of work you had done at 9:00am
BABIES GETTING DRUNK
Me: We’re getting beergaritas at lunch if you want to come Boss: Beergarita? That sounds disgusting Me: It sounds delicious! Her: You’re like a 2 year old, you would drink anything with alcohol. Me: Huh? Her: Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. You just look like you’ll drink anything. Me: Oh, I’m not offended. I would drink any alcoholic drink, I just don’t get...
Do you ever read a post that you know is just...
and of course you have no proof to call them out on it, but in your mind you know.
You know.
maurax asked: I'm not trying to be a creep or anything, but I think I just found your facebook. Would it be totally weird for me to friend request you?
By the way, you're hilarious.
By the way, you're hilarious.
Cop Dramas
Please stop making new ones. Please. I would rather get a BJ from Betty White while watching Ella Enchanted than watch another cop drama.
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Facebook Purgatory
So I recently unfriended (is that the correct term? defriended?) some guy on FB. I rarely do that, but this guy kept sending me really annoying invites to Pro-Life events and all these Republican conventions ALL THE TIME. As some of you may know, I hate when people mix politics with FB.
So he sent me a friend request today. Fucking awkward right? I definitely am not going to accept it, but I...
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“I never got twitter until I found out you can find porn stars on there. HOLY...”
– Guy at work explaining why he has a twitter
SO FUCKING HUNGOVER
Me and three other people at work have decided to black out every Thursday.
The morning after
One of the girls has been throwing up off and on for the past 3 hours.
My boss asked me if I’m on drugs.
I’ve been sprawled out on the couch drinking iced coffee.
Reading the fake twitter accounts some old intern made about my boss
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Realization
I can’t remember the last time I held a fifth of alcohol.
Not because of not drinking, but because I only buy handles.
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My mom keeps asking me if I want to go to Chili's
Her: Do you want to go to Chili’s tomorrow after work? Me: MOM Stop asking me if I want to go to Chili’s, have a coupon or something? Her: Sorry, I thought Chili’s was your favorite restaurant Me: What…? I would kill myself if Chili’s was my favorite restaurant. Her: Oh… do you want to go somewhere else? Fast Food? Me: Jesus Christ
Anonymous asked: <3 your blog!
were you a geek in hs?
were you a geek in hs?
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I will never get a better "That's what she said"
Girl tried plugging a usb flash drive into the ethernet port Her: No! That doesn’t go in there! Me: THATS WHAT SHE SAID! French Guy walking by in his thick accent: Hehehe that was a good one!
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"If you aren't asking a girl if they want to blow...
This is the type of stuff I say to make co-workers, and they DIE of laughter. Like are these people not around funny people usually? Because I feel like I can just start making animal noises and they would laugh.
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‘I hate her!’ Seinfeld says of Lady Gaga →
My love for Seinfeld and my hatred of Lady Gaga combined into one article.
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niallpatrick290194 asked: that ting about homophobes. well it's happened to me :| accidently cumming in a girls hair. She nearly cried, funniest moment though
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Rules for my unborn son #1
If you open a bottle of vodka, you must drink it all that night. You don’t want it to go bad do you?
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pearlsteel asked: I saw a car the other day and the license plate said nosup4u, and even though we've never met or had even anything remotely close to a conversation, I thought of you.
PEOPLE THAT ARE SMILING ON THE 6:30 TRAIN PISS ME...
Homophobes are great blogging material
Ok so at work we were talking about the stuff we would do for money, you know the usual gay stuff mostly. After going through the list of blow jobs, taking it in the ass, making out, we noticed one guy was saying No for anything at ANY price. So we kept going lower and less extreme. Eventually we got down to a gay guy slapping your ass for $10k and he still said no! He said he would take an ass...
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tumblr at work
Don’t you love it when you briefly check tumblr at work and the two most recent posts are shirtless pics of Zac Efron and Bradley Cooper? Then the chick nexts to me makes me scroll back up to drool a bit.
Want to know which blog she liked the most? Pilot’s Roscoe! I had like 10 people gathering around my desk to look at the fat dog.
Oh, and when they ask what tumblr is I tell them...
Giving up
Guy: The Taste of Chicago doesn’t let you bring your own alcohol? Me: Get the fuck out Him: Yea, we’re probably going to have to water bottle it Me: Bar mitzvahs, wedding, funerals. Vodka water bottles at all of them.
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Jesus Christ
Mom: What team is that cute guy from Spain playing on this year? Me: Torres? He’s still playing for Spain… Her: OoOo, when is Spain playing next? Me: Soon probably, they haven’t played their 2nd game yet. Her: Can you check when? Me: Sure… Her literally 30 seconds later: Well??? Did you find out? Me: They’re playing tomorrow Her: Rats! What time? Me: 1:30 our time...
