December 2011
27 posts
1 tag
A gurl was walkin2 skewl wit her bf n they were crossin da rode.
she sed “bbz will u luv me 4evr”
he said “NO..”“
da gurl cryed N ran across da rode b4 da green man came on the sine.
boy was cryin and went to pic up her body.
she was ded.
he whispered 2 her corpse “I ment 2 sey i will luv u FIVE-ever…” (dat mean he luv her moar den 4evr)
...
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The Christmas Season
Me: In the past, if my mom was buying me anything in the month of December, she would just shove it under the tree and act like it was a present.
Roommate: Like what?
Me: One year I got shampoo and body wash under the tree.
“No one cares”
– What I feel like commenting on 99% of Facebook status updates
Was at a friend's birthday party last night
There was a girl there who was just annoying me, and I was decently drunk enough that this conversation happened.
Me: You’re the worst Her: What? I’m the life of the party! Me: If you left right now, the only thing that would change is that chair you’re sitting in would now be empty.
People laughed, she was not happy.
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I really know how to ruin someone's day
My roommate is really into his cheeses. He gets all those fancy ones from organic grocery stores. So he bought some smoked gouda recently and was raving about it and makes me try a bit.
“Tastes just like the cheese you got in Lunchable sandwiches when we were 5”
He realized I was right and can’t eat it anymore.
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Saw a blind couple at the intersection
Guy: Is this 5th street?
Me: Nope, it's Wright & Springfield.
Him: Really?
Me: Yea, 5th is...
Me to myself: Wait how to I describe this? Do they know what direction west is? Can I touch him and hold his hand in that direction or is that fucking creepy? Maybe I can just walk away really quietly?
Me: it's 2 blocks west...
Him: ...
Me to myself: Fuck FUCK FUCKKKK!
Him: The last two people gave us wrong directions, we'll just get a cab.
Me: No I'm definitely right, I can walk you guys?
Him not believing me: Don't worry about it, the cab will get us there.
An investment banker's cover letter for a second... →
You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening.
We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.
If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you...
Roommate: The professor said that this is going to be the toughest test of the semester.
Me: Damn, how fucked are you for it?
Him: Well, the professors said this one is a "Thinking Man's Test"
Me: Oh, so you're really fucked then.
Him: Yeah
Living off coffee and tea for the next two weeks
5 finals on 5 consecutive days.
10 page paper (I’m the worst at writing, rather take 10 tests than this paper)
Project due at work this week.
My face every 5 seconds while trying to review.
Getting ready to go out
Currently playing Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You. If that doesn’t put you in the mood to black out I don’t know what will.
People that hold the door open for you
even though you’re like 30 feet away - are the worst.
Then I feel like I have to hurry the fuck up to the door or else they’ll be waiting there like an idiot and throughout it all they’ll feel like they’re doing me a favor.
The worst.