Professor: Kevin, are you going to speak Persian with your kids? Me: Probably not… unless my wife is Persian… and I doubt she will be Him laughing: Why dont you think she’ll be Persian? Me: Because I find them most of them to be —- I then stopped myself when I realized half my class are Persian girls
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did....– Jack Handey
Friend 1: How do I bookmark a page?
Me: Are you kidding me?
Friend 2: Kevin's face is priceless right now. Pure disgust and anger.
How can I politely tell my high school teacher to...
They are both under 8 years old. Please advise.
Don't try frying hot sauce
One of my roommates somehow got it in his head that putting popcorn on the stove mixed with hot sauce was a good idea, he claims he has made it before and he’s Asian so I’ve seen him make stranger stuff. Apparently the outcome is just spicy popcorn. About half way through I notice it starts smelling funny… then my lungs start to burn and I couldn’t breathe. I guess he...
You know when there's a really embarrassing photo...
and you’re like OH GOD, but then you remember than your photos are on private so no big deal. But then you realize that the friend who posted the photo isn’t set on private and everyone one of her friends can see the photo, and we have a lot of mutual friends… but as long as no one comments on the photo it won’t get pushed to the front of everyone’s Top News But of...
Any youtube video my dad emails me
is guaranteed to already have 100M+ views. Just got sent Charlie Bit My Finger with the email subject: HAHA
To sum up my trip in one moment
We were at Coca Cola Beach watching one of the competitions when my super frat bro of a friend asked our other friend what she had in her drink. It was vodka lemonade, so he grabs it from her and proceeds to pour it over his shirt. At the same time we notice that he is pissing himself and its all over his shorts/feet, and I guess he thought that pouring a drink on himself would cover the stains. ...
I was going to try to stay off the internet for the entire week, “off the grid” you know? But I know I’ll get internet withdrawals halfway through and post something. So I’m just going to accept failure now and tell you guys right now I’ll be posting on my twitter. See you next week, and as my mom always says, “Have fun, but not too much!”
Trust me, it was hilarious
Friend: Thanks for changing my Facebook status last night, dick
Me: Dude, that really wasn't me
Him: It was too well written for anyone else to have done it
Me: Fuck, I have to dumb it down next time
Who wouldn't want to be my friend?
Me in a text: Hey man, can I steal a good beer from you, I'll get you back at the bars. I just don't want a Keystone Light right now
Him an hour later: Yea, of course.
Me: I was banking on your generosity and already finished them all. THANKS!
96 year old answers questions on Reddit
General life advice? Don’t take things too seriously when you’re young. Think “Am I going to care about this when I am 96?” You probably won’t. What’s the best part of elderly life/retirement? Laughing at the people in my neighborhood who have to go to work. Did you ever imagine there would be anything as horrible as auto-tune? What Could...
My roommate flew to Japan today
He’s not Japanese. He is visiting his girlfriend for spring break. Everyone in his family wanted him to stay. He could have easily moved the flight date for free. He didn’t listen to any of that shit. Got a text that told me he’s in first class ordering alcohol. I love my friends.
If a shoe is a shoe, a ho is a ho.– Guy on Maury.
Picking out a new deodorant is the hardest thing
I don’t even spend time smelling them, just staring. “Well Arm & Hammer is for old people, and Axe is for high school kids and I wasn’t really happy with the Gillette I got last time… decisions decisions” Then I try reading the labels like I know what the fuck I’m looking at, “Ohh ohhh, this has aluminum in it! I’ve read somewhere on the...
What’s my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada...
Having a special bond with someone you barely know
So like over year ago my friend from Villanova came to visit, the typical business major WASP that you’d imagine goes to Villanova. He knew this girl from high school that is hot so he invites her over to hang with us and he is trying to get with her the entire night. I used to live in a 2 floor apartment so while the rest of us are playing BP upstairs, those two are downstairs talking. In...
I LOVE that the big kid didn’t move when he got jacked in the face I LOVE how the big kid is like “Bitch, YOU ARE A THIRD OF ME” I LOVE how the bully is made into a total bitch I HATE how the big kid was the only one suspended
Zach Galifianakis as Little Orphan Annie on SNL
And therefore education at the University mostly worked by the age-old method of...– Terry Pratchett
I don't like when people come to coffee shops and...
Not reading a book, not doing homework, not talking to anyone, not doing anything. Just staring off into blank space and taking a sip every 20 seconds. It’s creeping me the fuck out.
Recommend me some new music.
Here is my complete collection. Anyone have anything I’d like?
James Blake is coming to Chicago!
But it’s already sold out! And I didn’t have anyone that would want to go with me anyway! Yea!
Saw a guy wearing two polo shirts, both collars popped. He wasn’t being ironic. It was… AWESOME.
I wanted to see how Kobe, Japan got effected
One of my friends live there and my roommate is going there in a week. Every search result is about Kobe Bryant’s parents. Very helpful.
I pulled a Billy Madison last night
Friend: Kevin I spilled my drink on my pants, it looks like I pissed myself. Me lying: Nah it looks fine. You can’t even see it. Him: Dude, you were just telling those girls I pissed myself. Me: Would it make you happy if I poured a drink on my pants too? Him: Yes And then I poured a drink on my pants and went on to talk about how “Pissing your pants is the cool thing to do these...
anyone out of college answer this?
do you still get fucked up on Thrs nights on a regular basis? Cuz I’ll be sad if thirsty thursdays will end in a year
In case you were wondering how boring a teenage... →
The answer is very boring.
Taking a hit for the team
Friend: Set up your hookah, I'm giving up smoking for lent. I want to do it once more before I stop.
Me: But I have a ton of homework...
Him: Stop thinking about yourself all the time GOD!
It seems like that whole Glee fad has finally...
You can only bring Gwyneth Paltrow on your show to sing so many times before people start to realize how fucking bad it is.