Whats your favorite snack?
Optimist: I love preztels! Pessimist: I dont eat snacks. They make you fat. Contortionist: Did somebody say “pretzel”? Check this out…
Steak 'n Shake
Friend: Want to get some food with us?
Me: Ehhh maybe? Where are you going?
Him: Steak 'n Shake
Me: Yea sure, I love that place
Him: We all know, remember you went to that girl's semi-formal a couple months ago and you came back wasted and screaming "LET'S GO TO STEAK AND SHAKE! I'M BUYING" and then bought us all food?
Me: I have to stop drinking so much.
My roommate walked in super pissed
Roommate: I just got shit on
Me: Huh? Did your professor ream you out or something?
Him: No, literally shit on. By a bird.
Me dying of laughter: Didn't this already happen.
Him: Last time was a squirrel, but yes.
The new dog walked into my room and took a piss......
Who isn’t jealous of his life right now?
Hey lady I want a free cup of ice, how much is it?– I died when I heard this in a convenience store last night.
Eating crunchy snacks in the library is the worst
Can everybody hear me eating these? Oh God! Is that girl staring at me because I’m crunching away like an asshole or maybe she thinks I’m cute? No way it’s the latter, I’m making so much noise! Take a sip of water to muffle the noises! Hurry! Then when you finish that one you tell yourself that you’ll eat the rest of the bag later. Not worth it right? But now that...
There's a guy in my lecture on Myspace right now
This scares me. He looks normal, like everyone else in class… but he is currently updating his mood on Myspace. I’m coming to the very scary realization that some of my friends, my roommates, my family could be on Myspace. Is this something I need to ask on first dates now? Between “What’s your major?” and “What are your plans for the summer?”. ...
Lactose intolerance is a battle over the body
Kevin’s Digestive System Stop eating this tub of greek yogurt you dumbass! Kevin’s Stomach Come to Papa! More! More! More!
Can't argue with that logic
Friend: You're a hipster!
Me: Me? What did I do?
Friend: You're a hipster!
Me: Well things make perfect sense now...
Friend: You are the type who would wear a ski tag on your jacket in July.
Me: Oh... but I've never been skiing in my life?
Friend: Doesn't change things!
My roommate was watching Twilight
for the second time in two days and wouldn’t change it. So I unplugged the TV and now we’re sitting here in silence. Both waiting until the other gives in and goes to plug it back in. It’s been 15 minutes. I’ll keep you updated.
Happiness and prosperity
A rich man asked a Zen master to write something down that could encourage the prosperity of his family for years to come. It would be something that the family could cherish for generations. On a large piece of paper, the master wrote, “Father dies, son dies, grandson dies.” The rich man became angry when he saw the master’s work. “I asked you to write something down...
I saw my friend leaving our apartment complex this morning wearing a suit, I remember him talking about an interview today so I knew it was him. I yelled “DAAAAYUUMMMMMM!” at him, you know… as most straight guys would. It wasn’t him. We stared at each other for a couple seconds until he cracked a smile not unlike the one you would see on a pedophile at a science fair. ...
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure...– William Gibson
Anonymous asked: Hey, I really like the font you used for the logo of your page. What is it called?
Barista: Same drink as yesterday?
Me: It's so sad that I waste enough money here that you remember my drink.
Her: I think it's sadder than I work here enough to remember your order
Me: You got me on that
Her: Refill in a couple hours?
Moments when you know your relationship is doomed
“I asked him what his sexual fantasy was, and he said, ‘Two redheads.’ I’m a brunette.” – Autumn “I woke up, looked at my partner sitting on the edge of the bed, and realized that I absolutely detested the shape of his head.” – Narie “We went through the drive-thru window at a fast-food place and he ordered a fish sandwich and pronounced it ‘fill-ett o’ fish.’ He wasn’t joking, and I knew he...
My roommate's friend who is an aspiring actor from...
Me: Coolest celebrity you've ever met?
Him: Ummm.... #1 is probably Justin Bieber
Me: What is wrong with you?
Me: If I met Justin Bieber I wouldn't tell a soul, let alone think it was cool.
Him: Dude, everyone in the world knows him. That's pretty cool.
Me: Ugh whatever, who else?
Him: You know that girl that sings that Friday song?
Me: NO! NO! NO! You are not talking about Rebecca Black.
Him: Yea! I saw her at a party playing BP and smoking cigarettes. She's 13!
Me: So Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black. Got it.
People that say "Frick"
Why? I get it. You don’t like to curse. I’m fine with that. Why the need for a fucking dumb replacement word? How about just rewording your sentence so you don’t sound like you’re 5. Example from today: What I would have said: He fucked that up. What he said: He fricked that up. What he could have said: He screwed that up. It’s not hard.
Seeking success or fear of failure?
I was watching interviews of the NCAA coaches this weekend (Yea I know, I only watch Sportscenter) and Jim Calhoun was asked what keeps him going even though he is 68 and has already won 2 championships. His reply: “If you went to Roy Williams or Mike Krzyzewski, if they admit it or not, I don’t care, if they don’t fear failure more than they seek success, I’ll be very surprised.” ...
How to meet the girl of your dreams (Foolproof)
Buy a falconer’s glove. Approach the girl you like wearing the falconer’s glove. Ask her “Excuse me, have you seen a falcon fly by here?” Look up to the sky, hopeful/sad. If she says “No,” look distraught and ask her if she wouldn’t mind helping you look for your falcon. No human being would ever turn down an opportunity like this. Use the time you...
I have nightmares about this
Me: Imagine our kids growing up without Seinfeld
Friend: Hell no, I'm MAKING my kids watch them
Me: Yea same here, but think of their friends. Seinfeld-less
Friend: I bet their friends will love "classics" like Friends
Me: I want to vomit
Things I love in this world
When you see online flirting that is clearly one-sided and the other party is not interested but tries being nice and just goes with it. Pizza
leishascordino asked: you're awesome.