is one of the few places that I can see people wearing eye patches and just brush it off as normal.
thatstrangegirl asked: Seems like the kinda blog you'd follow. She reminds me of you: http://drinkyourjuice.tumblr.com/
The only conversation during our 10 minute drive
Dad: Have you ever had Dr. Pepper?
Me: Uhhh... yeah, why?
Him: I like how it tastes.
My dad just asked if there was any way to hide...
Don’t even want to think about what he’s hiding.
Meredith describing a perfect manager.
I love hanging with little kids while I drink
Talking to my friend: God, you're so weird.
Friend's little brother: DON'T SAY THE W WORD!
Me: OK... you're so strange
Him: DON'T SAY THE ST WORD
Me: ... You're such a DUMBASS
Him: DON'T SAY THE A WORD
They scare the living shit out of me. Mostly because they exist. Ghosts don’t exist. Old people? They’re everywhere. Even scarier? They’re only getting older. Some people might be scared of little kids but give those kids 10 years and they’ll be fine. A 70 year old? 10 years from now she’s going to be 10x wrinklier. I was at Starbucks today and I saw an old lady who...
I really miss those Top Friends lists on...
“Oh MY GOD, she has that bitch higher than me on her top friends list? Fuck that, she’s coming off” It was our version of the speed dial.
Dumb Dumb Dumb
Me: I know that girl who helped you today, she's a lesbian.
Friend: No way.
Me: Yea, she's dating a small little Asian girl.
Her: Really, is she a lesbian too?
I just hand wrote 7 pages for my last final exam
It was worth 55% of my grade, and I’m pretty sure I aced it. I did it 55 minutes. My mind is still a blur. But most importantly, I am home in time to see the 2nd half of the Bulls game. Side note: Every year my handwriting gets worse and worse. It was never great (my mom always said I should be a doctor because I have bad handwriting, and she wanted her son to be a doctor), but now...
I fucking hate when people say "It's 5 o'clock...
I feel it’s what middle-aged housewives say to their girlfriends when they polish off a bottle of wine and try to cover up their miserable lives.
'Don't put a crazy dick in you' stories →
Two days later, he turns up at my door. I let him in for coffee thinking he must not have realised it was a one night stand. I was going to let him down gently. He took it alright and after a few tears asks me if we could “fool around” again, without it meaning anything. I told him I wasn’t in the mood and, trying to joke it off, told him to have a wank. The dude takes his...
Anonymous asked: I don't find you funny. But I wish that I did find you funny because I kind of want to fuck you. I think you would be so serious, like cum on my face and not even crack a little smile. I could singe your nipple hairs with with the scorching crust of a slightly over baked pizza and you would not crack. And how would I feel? I would just singe your nipple hairs like that and you wouldn't...
Louis CK, Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, and Ricky Gervais discuss whether there are any topics that you shouldn’t joke about. “You should never rape anyone… unless you have a reason, like you wanna fuck someone and they won’t let you; in which case what other option do you have?”
Roommate: Are we going out Friday at midnight or Saturday for your 21st?
Me: I really don't care, I hate my birthday.
Him: Who hates their birthday?
Me: Make decisions and invite people and people treat me special? Fuck that.
Him: Yea, sounds real tough.
Me: I just want a regular night but instead of taking 10 shots I take 21.
Someone just screamed "Don't tell me what I can't...
and walked begrudgingly out of the library. I had a total John Locke from Lost moment.
Is buying people coffee strange?
I’m doing a group project at the library and I was going up to buy myself some coffee and when I asked the group if they wanted anything everyone stared at me like I’m a leper. They were like “You’re offering… to buy… us coffee…?” Uhh yea, it’s not like it’s a group of 20 people here, it’s 3. Am I the only one who has the...
I’ve never seen her in anything. I guess she got famous in Attack of the Show on G4? What is Attack of the Show and what the fuck is G4? Her IMDB says she was in a movie with Rob Schneider… so obviously I haven’t seen that. Does she do standup? Couldn’t find it. I watch The Daily Show about 2 times a week and I’ve never seen her on that either. But everyone knows...
"Don't take this the wrong way"
is my new favorite phrase to put before any insult. ‘Don’t take this the wrong way, but is everything you say fucking retarded?’
The Osama's Dead Bar Crawl →
My school will have a bar crawl for ANY occasion.