I love my mom - watching the movie Munich
Her: What's Black September? Are they talking about 9/11?
Me: This movie took place in the 70s... Black September was the group that killed members of the Israeli Olympic team.
Her: Both that and 9/11 happened in September? Oh... My... God...
Me: Umm, there's only 12 months available for events to fall on?
My mom was writing a check for my apartment
Her: I hope you remember this when I'm old and I need you to write checks for me.
Me: I promise I won't write a single check for you, it'll be all electronic.
Her: You know what I mean, you need to take care of me and your dad when we get old.
Me: You have a lot more years before we need to think about that.
Her: When I get old I might get Alzheimer's and you might kick me
Me: Why would I kick you?
Her: I'm just saying that you could kick me and I wouldn't remember it
Me: But why would I?
Her: No one would believe that you kicked me and they'll think I'm some crazy Alzheimer's lady.
Me: BUT WHY WOULD I?
I think I just got blocked on tumblr for the first...
Or at least I’m pretty sure I did. Want to know the reason? After seeing a post about Season 4 of The OC, I replied “Season 4 sucked dick”. You could maybe make the argument that I should have phrased it differently, but at the end of the day Season 4 still sucked dick. That’s what it took! After a year and a half of spewing straight up bullshit on this blog and making the...
Larry David explaining why he’s attracted to anti-Semites.
I feel this is how most Americans think
Me: Did you hear about that Norway stuff? Over 90 dead.
Mom: Yea, it's awful. It wasn't terrorism though, right?
Me: Uhh yeah it was?
Her: Oh no, really?
Her: Like a Muslim did it?
Me: No... just some fucked up right-winged white guy.
Anonymous asked: but what if i covered my vagina in cotton candy and deer fur first
6 year old kid walks in on his dad putting on a...
Kid asks, “Daddy, what are you doing?” Father uncomfortably answers, “Uh…this is a mouse trap, son…I’m going to catch a mouse!” Kid says, “What’re you gonna do when you catch it? Fuck it?”
Last summer I made the website for my previous...
They desperately needed a new site and I knew how to make one so it just kind of happened. Since our main boss is a huge douche that we like to vent about, I made a secret site that you could only access if you went on a specific page, scrolled all the way to the bottom and click one letter out of a huge paragraph. Then it prompts you with a secret question - “Who has the most...
I love playing God
Whenever I see a fly in the house I always play a little game. I wait until it lands on a table then I slowly creep and drop something (magazine, coaster, etc.) on it. If it manages to fly away before getting crushed then he has earned the right to live. I figure that this is on the same scale as Moses spending 40 years crossing the desert, although I admit I’ve made my test a tad bit...
I could end the deficit in 5 minutes. You just pass a law that says that anytime...– Warren Buffett (via)
I say pineapple, you say mango! Pineapple! Mango! Pineapple! Mango! Pineapple!...– Don’t you hate it when radio commercials sound like songs and you get confused at how awful the lyrics are.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Friend: Can you believe the outcome of the Casey Anthony trial? Everyone knows she did it.
Me: Honestly I didn't watch a second of it. I didn't know who she was until 2 days ago...
Her: Are you fucking kidding me? Where were you the past 3 years?
Me: No clue. I usually scroll past depressing shit like that on CNN.
Her: You're an idiot.
Me: Whatever. Speaking of trials, are you excited about the start of the Roger Clemens trial? Definitely going to follow that one closely.
Her: What are you talking about?
Me: Are you fucking kidding me? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THE PAST 3 AND A HALF YEARS.
Go on Facebook and start defending Casey Anthony on your friend’s statuses. The more over the top you go the more amusement you get. I’ve already claimed the real killer is “some black guy” multiple times.
"Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo... →
is a grammatically valid sentence in the English language, used as an example of how homonyms and homophones can be used to create complicated linguistic constructs.
Nadal, Murray, and Djokovic are left at Wimbledon
Never thought I’d say this but I want… Nadal to win?! Fuck, I just hate Murray and Djokovic so much more.