The Soup Nazi

Listening Internship at The Onion

Fri, 10 May 2013 22:28:58 -0500

Ideal applicants will have experience nodding their head thoughtfully, maintaining eye contact, and displaying a sympathetic expression. The main focus of the internship will involve sitting in a chair and remaining silent while people talk at you.

Responsibilities will include:

Listening
Nodding
Smiling
Appearing deeply interested in what the speaker is saying
Remaining silent

Qualifications

Functional ears and/or lip reading ability
Meek obedient demeanor
Caring eyes that sparkle with an inner light are a plus, but not a requirement

The video of Ray J’s I Hit It First has a hologram of a...

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 22:02:03 -0500

The video of Ray J’s I Hit It First has a hologram of a Kim Kardashian look alike. Yup.

So Chicago got a lot of rain, and this guy apparently was dumb...

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 22:02:10 -0500

So Chicago got a lot of rain, and this guy apparently was dumb enough to drive through a huge flood, and then needed help from others to float to safety in fucking knee high water that he could have easily walked through.

"There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part, So just give me a happy middle And a very..."

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 14:43:00 -0500

“There are no happy endings. Endings are the saddest part, So just give me a happy middle And a very happy start.”

- Shel Silverstein

I finally got Netflix

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 11:37:53 -0500

Mom: You should cancel Netflix, they have no movies!
Me: Like what?
Her: We tried finding The Other Side of Midnight and they didn't have it!
Me looking it up: I'm sorry they didn't have a movie from 1977...
Her: Then we looked up What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? and they didn't have that either!
Me: How about we start looking for movies from the past 30 years?

Photo

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 21:37:42 -0500

My mom watching March Madness

Sat, 23 Mar 2013 15:35:21 -0500

When a shitty team losing by 30 hits a jumper: This team is so good.

Any 3 point shot: Wow!

Any dunk: Wow!

Any foul: Oh my God! Poor guy!

Anytime a guy is clearly faking a injury: I told you he was hurt!

Every 10 minutes: There's only black players on these teams! Look!

An alley-oop happens: *dead*

Even if you hate March Madness, you’ll love this.

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 22:47:34 -0500

Even if you hate March Madness, you’ll love this.

It’s normal to come home blacked out drunk and buy a...

Sun, 10 Mar 2013 12:40:08 -0500

It’s normal to come home blacked out drunk and buy a Sesame Street mug on Etsy right?

I want to die

Tue, 05 Mar 2013 20:59:54 -0600

This weekend I was visiting friends and I crashed at their place - fun time, drank a lot, yada yada yada. So I come back home and I’m brushing my teeth with the same toothbrush I used that weekend and I’m thinking how it’s strange the way the bristles have started to lay flat in certain spots, especially since it’s a new toothbrush. I chalk it up to it laying in my bag funny.

Then I find my actual toothbrush at the bottom of my bag. The reality sets in. I dry heave for a decent amount of time, thinking about how there is no God and where my parents went wrong with me.

I must have somehow took someone else’s when I came back blacked out from the bars and just grabbed it since it looked just like mine. I’m contemplating suicide. I feel like Jerry Seinfeld and the toilet toothbrush incident.

I’ve thought about asking my friends to find out whose toothbrush it is, but I’m too afraid of the truth and would rather not know.

We’ve all been there.

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 23:15:16 -0600

We’ve all been there.

Always

Sat, 23 Feb 2013 12:51:45 -0600

Cashier: Receipt in the bag or with you?
Me: In the bag is fine.
Him: Here you go
Me: You too
Me thinking: shit he didn't say have a nice day yet
Him: Have a nice day...
Me: you too...

I fucking hate when someone you’ve never worked with...

Sun, 17 Feb 2013 10:08:30 -0600

I fucking hate when someone you’ve never worked with endorses you on LinkedIn for a skill you’re not good at.

Apparently Alex from high school knows I’m great at customer service! Going to go update my resume right now…

Photo

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 21:38:39 -0600

Seinfeld will always be relatable

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 09:31:57 -0600

George: They always make me take stock of my life. And how I’ve pretty much wasted all of it, and how I plan to continue wasting it.
Jerry: I know, and then you say to yourself, “From this moment on, I’m not gonna waste any more of it.” But then you go, “How? What can I do that’s not wasting it?”
Elaine: Is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can’t you have coffee with people?

The Neighbourhood covers Say My Name and Cry Me A River

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 21:18:47 -0600

The Neighbourhood covers Say My Name and Cry Me A River

A student's grandmother is far more likely to die suddenly just before the student takes an exam, than at any other time of year.

Wed, 30 Jan 2013 12:09:26 -0600

A student's grandmother is far more likely to die suddenly just before the student takes an exam, than at any other time of year.:

Pretty funny study, especially considering my grandpa actually did die during one of my finals weeks.

"If you dream of something worth doing and then simply go to work and don’t think of any..."

Sat, 19 Jan 2013 15:44:05 -0600

“If you dream of something worth doing and then simply go to work and don’t think of any personalities, or emotional conflicts, or of money, or of family distractions; if you just think of, detail by detail, what you have to do next, it is a wonderful dream even though the end is a long way off, for there are about five thousand steps to be taken before we realize it; and start taking the first ten, and stay making twenty after, it is amazing how quickly you get through those five thousand steps.”

- Edwin Land to Polaroid employees, December 23, 1942

Who Are You - C2C ft. Olivier Daysoul

Sat, 19 Jan 2013 11:09:32 -0600

Who Are You - C2C ft. Olivier Daysoul

Fuck, this is gorgeous.

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 15:32:00 -0600

Fuck, this is gorgeous.